When He Doesn't

A lot of things we want in life don't happen once we get past the fact we’re an adult now.

For me that happened when I walked out my marriage to a physical and verbally abusive man with just the clothes on my back and my kids in my arms..

I didn't want to become one of those bitter black man hating women, so I started my blog on How To Love A Black Woman in order to find what I needed to be love and how to love right.

I tell myself honestly what I want in a man and I can write a book about how a perfect man should treat me, but as a fiction writer, I live in reality all the time and I never fool myself out of the truth.

So when he doesn't do the things I long for him to do, what should I do? That is the question imposed today.

When he doesn't.

We all have this fantasy of our own Prince Charming. He should be strong, handsome (with good teeth), natural comedian, super smart (but not snobby genius), confident (but not arrogantly sickening), a helper and a leader, and loves you unconditionally.

Instead we get the trifling, non romantic, corny, cavity ridden-crooked smile, shallow, arrogantly stupid, lazy, shiftless, that only loves you in the missionary position from 10pm to 10:02pm once or twice a week. That does not include foreplay.

(Yeah, that was extreme.)

So what do we do when he doesn't.

Instead of going off on a brotha - (white or black). There are some logical steps a woman can do.

Now I must impose on this piece that if you are married, if he isn’t cheating or physically and mentally abusive, the option of leaving is off the board in most cases. You should really stick in there and fight it out and try to do all you can before decide to lose the fight. I must also tell you this are just my thoughts and opinion and I don’t profess to be a professional. I’m a professional observer of life and I’ve seen or been in a lot of situations where I can say, “You know what? People need to know about this before they do the same stupid thing.”

When he doesn't provide intimacy...You do it first. Maybe showing him what you need by doing it to him will get him to understand what is going on with you and how much you adore intimacy as well. But know this, understand your own needs. You can't just say intimacy. You really have to understand your own intimacy needs. Is it just physical intimacy? Or would you like the special phone calls to say I love you and I just wanted to hear your voice. A warm bath drawn after a hards day work. Waking up on a Sunday morning and just staying in bed until you smell like each other. What do you want? Find these out before just complaining about them.

When he doesn't want to be inhibited with you. Work on your comfortable level of sex by talking about it, watching instructional videos (they have a million of them), and talk your fears out about what you don't want to happen. ("I don't want to see myself on Youtube one day in some sex tape scandal.") I believe two people who come together need to feel comfortable about their sexuality and bodies and be able to fulfill each others needs sexually without feeling that it is embarrassing.

When he doesn't want to carry on intelligent conversation. Trick him. Find out what he loves and try to find out more about it than he does. I learned detail information about bounty hunting. (Yes, I dated one or two.) I learned it so well, I was confident enough to suggest ways of how he could run his business better and expand his reach. In return he didn't mind attending literary events or going to an opera with me. He even finished off his degree and for his graduation gift we drove to Tallahassee where I received a private practice performance of the Alvin Alley Dance Troupe (which I'm a fan of) because he knew the security for the building.

When he doesn't leave drama at the door, first make sure you aren’t doing it and then start putting motivational signs up at the door. For instance make a no drama sign with a big X over the word DRAMA. Write inspirational quotes about bringing the outside world into a personal relationship. Most of all talk about things and let him know how much you don't like the drama or tension that keeps rolling up in the house. Set hours for company to be home and be reasonable about it. (We understand Monday night football, but fellas can you understand that's a school/work night and we've had a long day, too?)

We could go on with examples, but it'll all round up to ten things in how to handle "when he doesn't."

1. Practice what you preach
2. Practice random acts of kindness
3. Communicate without being negative, spiteful or venomous.
4. Do unto him as you would have him do unto you.
5. Study him as much as you want him to study you.
6. Know that behind every good man is a good woman - be that woman, but allow him to be your king.
7. Pray
8. Take the "I" out of the problem you are having with him and then reassess the problem to see if its just something selfish.
9. If he messes up, forgive and forget!
10. Listen to him.

When all else fails and you want to still stay, I advise seek professional advice.

When that fails (because I’m a worse case scenario gurl) give him a time limit. Continue to do what you do the ten steps, but if he still doesn’t and you find that you’re unhappier at this point in your life, after the time limit is up, be ready to go.

Women can endure a lot of things. We bring life in this world bravely suffering the worst kind of pain. We’ll sacrifice a lot of things to make others happy. We’ll work ourselves to the bone just to come home to hear “Hi Mommy.”

We give until there’s nothing left of us, but sometimes we have to remember to give back to ourselves and if you aren’t married to this man because “he’s not ready for a commitment”, and he not making you happy, and he’s causing more aggravation than your worst yeast infection, you really have to sit down and ask yourself, “Why are you with him?”

When He Doesn't © 2009 Sylvia Hubbard, Author, Founder of Motown Writers Network and Blogger of How To Love A Black Woman. http://www.sylviahubbard.com/ http://www.loveablackwoman.com/ http://www.motownwriters.com/

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