Tuesday, June 16, 2009

5 Things A Man Shouldn’t Say

Guest blogger today is Ms. "It's So Nice To Be Nice" Danielle.

I'm honored she took the time to respond to an earlier blog I wrote called 5 Things Before Giving The Number Out.

After reading, if you get the chance, check out her blog too. It's Nice!

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The recent posting on ‘How to Love a Black Woman,’ suggesting 5 questions to ask a man before you give him your number, got me thinking about the 5 things a man shouldn’t say if he’s really interested in dating a good woman.There are the obvious things that we've all heard about like sleeping in his mother's basement, or long tales about his ex, but here are a few more that you may not have considered.

  1. ‘I’m looking for fun,’ ‘I want to kick it,’ or anything remotely similar. What this screams to ladies is that you are only looking for sex. If that’s all that she wants then it’s not a problem, but since most women want more, desire an emotional connection, and desire to actually be a participant in your life, you won’t find any ladies that way.

  1. Do you have any children? Most women have encountered this question before and know exactly what it means. The question on the surface seems pretty clear cut because it is important to know if a potential mate has offspring or not, but it’s more to it than that. It’s what the question represents that causes the problem. For some, it’s offensive because it screams selfishness and is characteristic of a taker. The guy who wants the answer to this question, has already revealed his hand and his primary purpose. He’s only looking for what he can get, how much, and how often. He’s not looking to be an asset to the woman’s life.

Men really want to know if there are any baby-daddies in the picture or if they’ll be able to visit whenever they please. They might also be thankful that there’s no need for a babysitter. The truth is that if she’s a good woman, she’s not expecting a new beau to replace her children’s father. If she’s a good woman, she has a good parenting relationship with her ex-husband or significant other, not a sexual one. And if she’s a childless woman, she knows that childlessness doesn’t grant an all access pass.

If you really want to know if she has children and are not just interested in how quickly you’ll be able to get in her pants, ask her how she spends her time? Ask her what she did last weekend. If she’s a mother, it will come out and you don’t have to appear to be a jerk, but someone who's interested and considerate.

  1. I make $_______________ a month/year (You can fill in the blank). I have had countless men tell me that they are tired of women begging them for their money. I had one guy tell me a woman, he had only been dating for a few months, was taking advantage of him, asking him to pay her rent and purchase Christmas gifts for her children, who were not his. When he told me this, I asked only one question, “How did she know you could afford to help her?” If you’re not looking for a gold digger, don’t tell them about your gold, at least not in the initial stages. Instead, tell her about your hobbies, your children, your family, your goals.

  1. I’m a gentleman. This one should be obvious, but if you have to say it, it’s probably not true. She’ll see that you’re a gentleman because of your approach, your conversation, and how you treat her. There’s not need to say it; it should be obvious.

  1. I am thinking about moving to ___________(Feel in the space with any state/country). Why would any woman want to start dating the man who is discussing moving? Now, he may not be serious, but usually men who consider moving to Detroit , Atlanta , LA, or wherever, have probably done it before. They’ve packed up and moved when things got uncomfortable, challenging, or remotely difficult. Such statements scream instability, a lack of steadfastness, and inconsistency, all things women don’t want in a man.

What do you think? Should something be removed? What would you add?


This post was written by Danielle from 'It's So Nice to Be Nice'

http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com

'It's so nice to be nice' was created to remind people of the importance of sharing, connecting, and treating others well, even in a tough economy, and even when you don't feel inpired . A smile, an authentic hello, friendly wave, or sincere compliment can do much to brighten someone's day. Yes, they're small, but these are important gestures that may lighten the load or lift the spirit of many you meet.

On this blog, you can expect regular musings about a few missing links in the quest for success in our world: courtesy, politeness, honesty, respect, and helpfulness . In addition, the blogger will also discuss her struggles for the same.

3 comments:

MilesPerHour said...

Men are able to hold out showing themselves for 2-3 months before their "true colors" come out. Unfortunately both sexes have to play the game or read between the lines until the person exposes who they really are.

It may not be typical of men but there are many of us who will avoid women like the plague if they are ready to have sex immediately in a relationship. I understand everyone isn't going to be a virgin, but if a woman is that easily led into the bedroom I can guess that the pair of shoes has seen quite a few too many miles for my liking.

I think you pointed out very valid statements to watch out for.

Brother Tarikh said...

Peace and blessings,

I read the first two and decided to respond. My assumption is that the remaining three would be of the same mindset.

I think some of what was written is highly subjective as well as prematurely accusatory. Am I being defensive, because i may have delved into some of these areas??? Far from it, but readers will interpret my words in whatever way they wish.

Number one, if SOME men are halfway honest and have the temerity to tell a grown, "good" woman (whatever that is) that they just want to kick it, and she is dumb enough to interpret that in any other way except "i just want to have sex", then she needs to accept responsibility for her actions if she continues to involve herself with this type of man.

Clearly, a man that says that he just wants to kick it is trying to tell a woman (in whatever suttle way he can) that he is NOT interested, AT THAT TIME, in being involved in a sustainable, mature, and committed relationship. The woman that does not know this (in this society, "kicking it" is actually contradictory to comittment) should not put herself in such a predicament.

I find it interesting that a man asking a woman if she has children has been interpreted as him "want[ing] to know if there are any baby-daddies in the picture or if they’ll be able to visit whenever they please" or he's "thankful that there’s no need for a babysitter". This is highly subjective, to assume that "men" ask this question for those reasons. There may be some who have other reasons for asking. Whether this type of man is in the exception or not is, in and of itself, a subjective assertion (or maybe an assumption. A Woman just has to be open as to why any man may ask this question. Could it be that he's asking because in today's society of high divorce rates, the probability of a man or a woman already having a child or children is highly likely. Does this mean that there are not men out there who ask for the very questions raised??? Not at all. But there could be other reasons why, and if a woman was that interested in knowing why he asked if she has children, she should pose that question to him.

I don't have the mental capacity to respond to the last three, but throughout what i have already written, my point is that there are OTHER reasons why a man may ask or say these things. If a woman is going into any situation with her suspicion level very high, she will waste time playing private investigator. Instead of being open and allowing things to reveal themselves in due time, she's busy trying to check off her "how to spot another dog" checklist.

Whatever intentions any man may have will reveal themselves in due time. With patience and attention (not obession) we ALL will save ourselves a lot of time and wasted energy.

SOULONE.

Sylvia Hubbard said...

maybe i shouldn't... or well, i should.

okay, i feel the author (which i agree with Miles she made very valid points).

point blank men: you want us to take you serious, then be able to communicate yourself well.

some Men do have a tendency to become flustered and don't know what to say or say what they're used to.

You want an extraordinary woman, you have to come correct.

The author of this peace just want some men to be careful what you say because what you're saying is not what we're interpreting.

Always remember: men are from mars women are from venus and in this article the author is merely pointing out the differences in how things are said and taken. Some men know this, some men don't.

the children question clearly does depend on the man (sometimes) but the appropriateness of when to ask this question sometimes can be inappropriate. For me I always deflect this question with humor and answer "Three that I know of." They (the man) usually walk away with a confused look on their face or laugh and tell me I have a great sense of humor. I get more of the first action than the latter.

You'd really be surprised at how many men wanted me to take them serious but started of their game with I'm just looking for a girl to kick it with or have some fun with. Later on after learning about them when they find out that their initial statement to me turned me off, they said they meant something else but didn't want to scare me off. By then they were in the friends category and they couldn't get across to "start something," even if i lost a bet.

all in all, i think the author makes a valid post: just watch what you say. Words are your key, but they can also be your own destruction as well.

just ranting and raving

creative intimacy no matter what color you are


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