Is Living Together the Right Move?
Many couples believe it's a good idea to give marriage a test-drive by moving
in together.
Cohabitation has become a dating norm, the step in between getting
serious and getting married. The logic is easy to understand: You can't really
know someone until you live with them. You should see how you get along before
getting hitched, right?
According to the data, however, this seemingly rational approach may not
always be the right one for a lasting marriage. Heaps of studies over the past
two decades have found a higher risk of divorce among couples who live together
before marriage. While some of this may be explained by the fact that
less-traditional people are more willing to live together before marriage — and
perhaps more willing to end a marriage in which they're unhappy — studies still
find that playing house before you are actually Mr. and Mrs. can decrease your
chances of ending up happily-ever-after. With nearly half of all couples
deciding to move in together at some point in their relationship, this is an
important correlation to consider.
Living together before marriage may weaken a couple's conflict resolution skills
and willingness to compromise. When you know that you can walk away at any time,
working through difficult relationship problems is less of a priority. And that
can be a hard habit to break once you're married.
read more at:
http://www.drlauraberman.com/public/passionfiles/passionfiles.aspx?issueid=9375
My personal take on this:
I have always thought deep and hard about this and for no good reason do I see me moving in with a man would help me in any kind of way.
I've been asked by past beaus, but I've never had the desire to want to do this.
Maybe it's because I was raised by a man and spent 18 years of my life living
with one and the thought of repeating that to a man I didn't know if I truly
wanted to be with for the rest of my life was a big decision.
Cohabitation is a big decision and nothing one should make lightly, so if you're
going to live together why not marry?
You're living in their house or they are living in yours. I wouldn't like the
fact that it's not mine and even though my stuff is there, it's still not mine
and if they die, I get evicted by the family and maybe locked out of getting my
stuff. I know that's just over thinking it but I just like to know my house is
my sanctuary and I don't have to worry about being evicted just because you
don't like me anymore.
Plus in Michigan, there is still a law on the books about men and women living
together which is why there is no common law in Michigan.
How do you feel about Cohabitation? I'd love to hear what people have to say about it now. with so many things going on in the world and especially in this financial crises, I'd think about of public opinion has changed regarding this.
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Legally I see your point of view. My uncle never wanted to marry my aunt. They were together for about 20 years.
The problems occurred when he was diagnosed with cancer in 2001 and later passed away that year. Because my aunt was NOT his wife and she did not have power of attorney for him and they had not discussed these issues. She could not sign off on his surgeries and whatever medical stuff he needed.
Me on the other hand...I would live with someone beforehand. I just think it is the best way to know someone but then I have never been married and I do not have children.
So is this the best policy? I do not know since I have not been in something long term in awhile.
Thanks for your input Jamie!
This is definitely a good question, which I thought about a lot. The basis for my current view point, which was much different in my twenties, where I would not live with a woman, if she was worth living with, she was worth marrying. That Southern Baptist upbringing will do that to you.
Dated my ex-wife for three years, we did move in together three months before the wedding and two years into the marriage she became a Jehovah Witness and over the years changed from the woman I dated and married to a person with radically different life views and principles. We were both evenly yoked in the beginning and the yoke broke, four years into the marriage, we tried to make it work for five years after that point to no avail. I think if I had left when I knew we had huge theological differences the divorce would have not been so bitter.
There have been many people who did not live together that married and still ended in divorce, so I am not too big a believer that if you don’t live together you marriage will make it, there are so many factors in being married that any one going sideways can tear your marriage apart. Illness, job loss, a undefined personal crisis’s effects on the spouse, stress, work pressure, family, life, unfaithfulness, drug addiction, be incarcerated, depression, the list goes on and on. I put unfaithfulness deep in the list, because of know of situation where did this not end the marriage, but job lost or serious income erosion did!
I think a better precursor is the ability to forgive and be reasonable is a much better forecaster of if the marriage will last or not. With these tools you can truly work through issues and move forward as a couple.
I have friends who are happily married and they love and cherish one another this was present long before the I do’s were said. Now this is a different take, I know many women that lived alone for years and when they did get married they almost got divorced while going through the transition of a me to a we.
I do not know if I ever want to be married again and I am honest with anyone that I date about it. As for children, I have two and I am pondering getting fixed to make sure there is no way it can happen accident or not. So I am about ninety five percent against having more kids.
Which brings me to my larger question why would I get married? Until I answer that question I am shacking. This is just my myopic view.
Glendon
Wow Glen, that was helluva deep on any level!
I loved when you said I think a better precursor is the ability to forgive and be reasonable is a much better forecaster of if the marriage will last or not.
That's just point blank a precursor on whether you should marry the person or not, even if you are or not living together.
Marriage is a we state and going into it being a person hard to forgive just means the other party will only deal with that for so long before presenting the divorce paper if the unforgiving person doesn't change their ways.
Thank for sharing!
While I feel it's a decision each couple needs to make in private, I strongly believe in living together before marriage. By living together you get to see your partner at his or her best AND worst. You see what upsets them and what makes them happy. And most importantly, you find out if you are sexually compatable. To me its almost a no brainer.
Honestly, I think women do it to get love and a hope that he will propose marriage. On the other hand men live with the woman first out of convenience, it saves money, and he gets all the benefits of having a wife without the committment.
I think glen was onto something. i think should move in or have long "sleep overs" when you are engaged. then you get to know this person on a deeper level. and engaged doesnt mean you have to get married, it just means you want to. thats the time to turn over every last stone before you make the big jump
@danielle: y buy the software when u can get the download for free. LOL.
@paul: see above at danielle's comments. But also, you can find that out just by being "friends." Getting to know them isn't about living together. Matter of fact, I believe that blinds you on what the truth is about them.
@mary i think i've been single for so long that I want to hold off on "him" moving in as long as possible.
This is a really great subject and it seems like both sides make good arguements.
I tend to fall on the "no living together" side of the argument. I think it forces people to look deeper into the person they want to be with.
I'm sure that there are a million metaphors I could use to make my case, but I'll use the rental car vs the purchased car to make my point. When you know that you can treat a rental car any way you want because you don't have a real commitment to it - you tend to drive it faster and harder than a car you have a vested interest in. When that car is yours and you own it, you take care of it, you treat it gently and with respect. I think these traits tend to work the same way in relationships. When you are committed and legal, I think you give more and get more and work harder at making your relationship a success.
-Garland
@-Garland I'm glad u made that point. I'm loving that you said that because i do feel validated all the times when i looked at a "negro" crazy when i was asked, "Why don't we just move in together?"
@Garland,
All I can say is wow! I've never heard that metaphor before: the rental car vs. purchased car....it's definately given me something to think about.
Biblically it's immoral and a sin. Consider that if you are a Christian.
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