I once saw a sign that said, "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." This happens in marriages on a daily basis. Words are said, but thoughts and feelings are not understood. Listening is essential if we are going to understand what the person is saying.
How can you find out if what you think she said is really what she meant? The best way is to ask: "Are you saying that you want me to drop Mary off at school on my way to work?" "No, what I'm saying is that Mary does not have school tomorrow. She needs to be dropped off at my mothers. Will you be able to do that?" "On my way to work?" "Yes." Now you can make an intelligent response.
What did you say?
Talking and listening; it all seems so simple. Yet, research indicates that the number one problem in marriage is lack of communication. We miss-understand each other. We read into their comments attitudes which the other person does not have. One of the most helpful things you can do in a marriage is to learn how to listen.
"Are you saying that you feel disappointed that I did not call you while I was away?" "Well, I think it is more 'hurt' than it is disappointment." "Explain your hurt." "Well I just felt like you were not thinking of me. You know how much I miss you. I guess I just want you to miss me as much as I miss you." Ask questions. Clarify meaning. That is genuine listening.
Why didn't I listen more?
Almost nine years ago, my sister died at the age of 58. I have often wished I had spent more time listening to her while she was going through her struggle with cancer. She always seemed so 'upbeat'. To use her word, she was always 'fine'. But I wonder what her thoughts were? I wonder what she was really feeling?
I wish I had asked more questions and spent more time listening. What about you, are you listening to the significant people in your life. Or, are you like me, too busy to ask questions. Listening is a ministry. It communicates love. When you care enough to listen, you validate another person's worth. To whom do you need to listen?
Is it time to rate your feelings?
Rating your feelings is a good way to share information quickly. It is a communication technique that many couples have found helpful. When you say, "on a scale of 0 to 10 how do you feel about.... (then you give the topic), you are asking for information. The spouse can reflect, and give you an accurate reading. What if one of you is a 2 and the other a 10? Then one of you has an opportunity to practice love. You now have information as to what would be meaningful to them. Love is the giving of self.
| | Adapted from The Marriage You've Always Wanted by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.5lovelanguages.com.
| | Saturday, March 27: Dear Gary
Building Relationships Radio
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