I was 24.
The very same age when my mother had me. It was pinnacle to me, but that did not calm my nerves about being a parent.
I'd had a C-section, so the stay in the hospital gave me enough time to really get used to having a baby, but once I got home and all the friends had left and I was all alone looking down on this little bundle - I was terrified.
I mean, not the apprehensive like what to do. No, it was worse. I was so scared I was going to hurt her or do something horribly wrong. I was all alone and no one was there to help me.
She started to cry.
Even after being trained in the hospital, I was at a loss for what this human being wanted. I didn't understand this crying language and it frustrated me that I could not appease her because of this language barrier.
My mother called me that night.
"How are you?" she asked.
I lied, "I'm good."
"You must be tired."
"No, I'm fine." My stomach lurched at lying to my mother.
She paused for a second, before asking, "How's the baby?"
I actually had to look around because I'd forgotten where the baby was. Maggie was sleeping at the time in the crib by my bed. "She's sleep."
My mother paused again. "How are you?"
Now, I should warn you my mother is no idiot. Matter of fact, I think this woman has some type of special mental abilities better than Professor X to pull what's in your brain out and plant whatever she wants to in.
I knew when she asked that question again, she was not crazy or she had not forgotten she had asked me this before.
"Ma, I'm fine really," I tried to lie again, but this time my voice cracked a little at the end.
"Do you need something?"
Taking a deep breath, unable to lie anymore, I said, "I wish you were here."
"Well," she said. I could hear her moving around as she continued, "I think I can be there in a couple of days. Can you wait that long?"
Tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheek, because I needed my momma so bad.
Now to understand the sacrifice this woman was making, I should let you know that I was in Tampa, Florida at the time and she was in Detroit, Michigan.
To make matters worse, It was December. To be more specifically, it was December 20th. I'd just had my baby in early December and this woman was willing to buy an immediate ticket during one of the busiest holiday seasons.
There was no way I could give her money on her airfare or travel and the most I could offer her was a pallet on my front room floor to stay at. Nor did I have a car to help get her around while she was here.
My mother was fine with this and said she would call me back with her travel arrangements.
That night, I got a call from her and she was apologetic. She couldn't get a reasonable flight she could afford until the 26th, but she'd arrive early in the morning and then she had to leave by the New Year because she had to get back to school.
One week.
I had one week to learn everything I needed to know to be a mother.
Knowing my mother would be there made me feel much much better. During that time, she called every day though to check on me. She made me do a check list of the things I knew I would need to help me take care of the baby and before she got there I started the process of receiving governmental aid.
My mother arrived that morning after Christmas and I hugged her like a four year old who had gotten lost and just needed to feel their mother's strong arms around their body. She smelled like heaven. I mean really. She made me feel like I'd walked through the gates of heaven and was standing in front of the throne of God.
I wanted to cry, laugh and shout all at the same time, but then I also knew we had a lot of work to do.
I rolled up my sleeves and prepared to be the student to the master.
I'm taking a pause to enlighten you on how I came up with this post. For the past couple of years, lots of people have given me great compliments about my children. How their raised, how they act and how they treat me.
They like when they come over my house for business meetings, they can barely tell the children are not even in the house. And my four bedroom apartment is not really that big.
They like that when we're out in public, not only do my children assist me, but they don't make me act like a mom in public.
They like that at all times, whether I'm around my children or not, most of the time, my children act as if I'm there and make decisions as if I'm standing over there whether I am or not.
So of course I get asked questions as to how, as a busy single mother and the hardest working woman in the literary world this side of the Mississippi, did this? How was I able to devote such dedicated discipline to three children of all varying ages .
And also, I wanted to do this post for Sandra Bullock. (You're in my prayers.) As a new single mother, I was reading the article on Yahoo, which talked about your apprehension of becoming a single mother.
I loved you gave ups to us in your speech BTW and you're so right we rarely do get ups and we need them so bad.
This post came from all the questions and from Sandra Bullock's secret cry out: What to do?
3 THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET
1. At any and all times, take of all their needs. My mother said in order for your child to feel secure and safe in this big ole world, they have to know there is a safety net for them and that's what mother's are for. In my children's first year, I made sure they were fed, cleaned and cuddled. I also included massages. My mother instructed me that this touch factor was very important in imprinting yourself in your child's subconscious.
2. Raise your child to live around you and you live around them. In order for my child to be happy, according to the master, you (the mother have to be happy.) Now I'm not saying hang from the nearest chandelier and drink until you fall out. But You should be doing things, hobbies, past times and living the life that makes you happy and showing your children that your happiest is important to the household. Whether we know it or not, and i really needed more explaination from my mother because I was feeling a lot of guilt from this, but your children LOVE to see YOU happy. It makes them happy! Express what makes you happy to them and reward them when they do things to make you happy. Especially when they do things without being told to do. (Those are doubly awesome!) For me, my children knew my writing was important to me. Although telling this to a six month year old who wants some TLC while I'm trying to get my characters to fall in love on paper is pretty difficult.
According to the master, I had to make time to write and make time to cuddle. Needless to say, we're talking about a woman who has worked a 40 hour a week job, maintain a household with her dad, his girlfriend and her child, plus at the time I was pregnant with the next.
I learned early on - from my mother - cuddle time was important. But what was important about this time was when YOU choose to do so and the child would wait for that time.
Mag had to learn early that when Mom was busy, she had to entertain herself. She was given adequate educational toys, there was always a cool water or watered down juice bottle around, or her pacifier. Either way, when it wasn't cuddle time, Maggie had to keep herself busy until then.
During cuddle time, I devoted clearly all my attention to her and sometimes it was hard not to want to extend cuddle time past what was scheduled, but for the first two weeks, if you keep the same time every day to wake up, (even if you have no where to go) change the diaper (even if you check it and its dry) eat, nap, eat, cuddle, nap eat, bath and then go to bed, the babe will eventually get used to this schedule and wait. Yes, wait. I was once amazed that I deliberately when Maggie was a year old not put her to bed. She knew nap time was from five to six thirty and she was standing there waiting for me to take her to her bed and lay her down.
I watched her out the corner of my eye. Her legs had begun to tire and she whined a little bit, but then I gave her my full attention and she stopped and held her arms out to be carried to the bed. I put my finger up to indicate wait.
(Early sign language is WONDERFUL!!! LEARN IT! PRACTICE IT! It'll help with that language barrier problem too)
She put her arms down and for a few more minutes waited. When she got tired of standing, she sat right there next to me and put her pacifier in her mouth. When she got tired of not doing anything but staring up at me, she got a toy and played with it. When she got tired of sitting, she laid down and soon she fell asleep right there.
Maggie had just learned how to put herself to sleep and I smiled proudly down at her. After I knew she was in a deep sleep, I scooped her up and laid her in the crib and kissed her cheek.
3. Choose your battles.
Unlike a two parent household that afford to wage a serious war against the young brood, single parents don't have that luxury. Wars detract from other things going on that you have to handle and you can't afford that. So choose your battles.
I learned this a little from the master and a lot on my own. I had to press upon my children what rules they could not break. Now up until the time they were five to six, everything was a crime. There were not gray areas.
Be tough then so you can relax later, the master says. It's all about sacrifice and tough love to me and that's what you're going to have to do.
Now at five to six, they have to learn from all the lessons you've taught them and apply them to life situations. I developed the three strike method except for infractions of:
- Lying
- Deception (which is like lying, but even worse)
- Physical abuse (ten times worse if they even raised they hand against me)
- Destruction of property
- Blatant disobedience
- The number one rule: if you don't do it in front of me, don't do it at all.
- And the number two rule: Don't make me act like a mommy in public
I stressed the fourth commandment in the Bible a lot, because as single parents, there really has to be some spirituality in the child's life. That means, they knew even if they broke my rules, there was something bigger and worse that could happen to them and they didn't want to make me unhappy enough to lose my protection.
Yeah, that might sound scary but honestly, your child needs and loves to know you are protecting them from things they know nothing about. From the unknown darkness whether you're there or not or the nightmares even when you're in another room.
One last tip I have to offer to single Mom's - be honest with them. Let them know all this is new to you and you're just as much a work in progress as they are. God is not through with you yet and you're learning to be the best mommy possible for them. Let them know if you need their help because the whole world's looking and waiting for you to mess up and they are a reflection of you. You need them to show the world that you've created something good and that it would make you happy to make liars out of all the people that doubted this could be done.
Did you catch the key word in that latter sentence?
IT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY!
Yes, you would be happy and they would love to make you happy. (Tip 2 if you forgot.)
Lord, I have to say, it's wonderful to be a mommy. And as I go into my fifteen years of motherhood with my head up and my eyes wide open, I am still a little apprehensive but I have to honestly say if put to the test I would do this all over again.
Always remember: The blessings of motherhood, don't come in leaps and bounds, but wrapped in small gifts that mean more than all the gold in Fort Knox.
I know right now as you hold your bundle in your arms and look down at them thinking that the only gift they left was a bunch of mess in that diaper. I felt the same way too, but now as I look at the rewards I have and the rewards I know are coming, a smile creases my lips and I too want to thank all the good mommies out there - especially mine.
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